Tomorrow's just your future yesterday

god, I hate it when this happens. this morning started out awesome...had a random warm fuzzy feeling cuz of something I read this morning...

and then this afternoon all went downhill. work sucks (I hate the new system of carts, it doesn't make SENSE!), had a fight with Bry again...

I hate having to come downstairs to eat when I've been crying. it makes it so hard to eat. and now I'm here at work...god. I hate it. I hate feeling like this.

I hate the fact that I'm too emotional all the time and I don't know how to make it stop.

The worst part about this is that when I start hating myself like this, Bry's the one I want to turn to, to be able to talk to about it, and that makes me feel better. But I feel like I can't do that this time...because just wanting to be able to talk to him is what started this fight in the first place.

and I hate that. I hate feeling so helpless.

god. I need a hug. and of course...the one person that I really need a hug from is mad at me.

so I went to Loren's party last night, which was pretty much fun, I guess. I got there a little after 6 and hung out with Loren and Rachel while waiting for others to come. we walked to the field and eventually collected Amber and Ashley, then walked back to the campsite. we ended up playing Apples to Apples for several hours, which was pretty fun. I won for once, which was kinda nice, though by the end I was getting a little tired of playing, so I wasn't really sorry when the red cards ran out.

while we were playing, Loren and Jenny (with the help of Loren's dad) got the fire started, so we all sat around the fire and roasted marshmallows (and tried to avoid getting set on fire by Rachel's dangerous marshmallow-roasting technique).

after stuffing ourselves with marshmallows and chocolate, people started talking about stuff...and that was pretty much the point when I stopped having fun. they all decided it would be fun to start talking about their various dirty secrets and stuff, and apparently it's cool to try to make people (who don't happen to believe it's necessary to make extremely private details public) tell things they don't want to. I'm just curious as to when my private life became other people's business. and why I'm expected to tell them that kind of stuff just because they like to talk about their own...exploits. so then one of them decided "well, if you're not going to share, you don't get to listen either." Okay, fine, I didn't want to hear their fucking sex stories to begin with, but I don't appreciate the fact that that was the point when they all decided to go back over to the table to share secrets and left me stuck with Amber and Ashley. I don't really understand why they think it's appropriate to just completely ignore me because I'm a more private person than they are. not only that, but Rachel went over there with them, and (please don't be offended by this, Rachel) she doesn't even have secrets like that to tell, yet she was allowed to listen.

it's not like I couldn't hear half the stuff they were saying from where I was sitting anyway. but that didn't help things at all. I heard stuff I really didn't want to hear...stuff that makes me wonder what the hell happened all of the sudden. I used to think my friends were the good kids...

the whole "wondering what happened" feeling really wasn't helped later on, either, when it was just me and a couple others left, and I was kinda stuck listening to one of my best friends in the whole world talking about going to strip clubs and staying up all night drinking and passing out at 5 in the morning.

so yeah, by the end of the evening I was just sitting there in this tired, half feeling like I was going to start crying at any minute sort of state.

there's something extremely disconcerting about realizing that almost all of your friends aren't actually the people you've thought they were for 10 years.

my mum had a fight with my sister this evening. like, a screaming yelling sort of fight. because Rachel was being a little brat and didn't want to help with housecleaning stuff.

it was weird seeing Mum yell at Rachel...Rachel's always been kinda the "little angel" of the family because she's the youngest...so yeah. it was kinda nice being the good kid for once.

I was meaning to do some work tonight on the RP that Bry and I have, but I never got around to it. maybe I'll print out the stuff I need, then work on it after everyone's in bed...*shrug* I guess I'm feeling vaguely inspired tonight.

( thing stolen from Brassie )

There's been a lot of crazy drama-type stuff going on in the band lately. It's rather hard to keep up with, really, and I'm getting pretty sick of it. A lot of it's relationships (Poor Kyle. Poor Steve.) (and what was going on with Logan and Lindsey? I fail to comprehend), but it's not just that...Raeanne was crying today before we left for the game because of something Schuster said to her. Right at the beginning of the game, Steve and Emilee both looked like they were going to cry (and I still don't know what was wrong with Emilee).

The drama is hard on me. I keep wishing there was something I could do to make it all better. I dunno, I guess I've got some sort of weird mothering instinct or something, because I keep kinda wanting to take care of all the younglings (underclassmen, whatever) and make all their problems go away. It's hard for me to sit there and just watch it happen. Like with Kyle, when he came and talked to me after we got off the buses tonight, how he was talking about what he'd been an unfortunate witness to on the bus ride home...I wished there was something I could do to make him feel better. I think the hardest part of this evening, though, was watching Steve. He's usually so incredibly energetic, and definitely the most cheerful of the mellophones...and tonight, he just sat there. He hardly talked...didn't get into the music at all like he usually does (he didn't blast "Breadfan"...and he always does that). He looked like he needed the biggest hug in the world, frankly. It was one of those things where I wished I could just take care of him and make everything better...and it was horrible because I knew I couldn't do anything.

I feel rather like I've unofficially adopted some of the underclassmen, really. I dunno how that worked, but it happened. And it hurts me when I see them get hurt. I mean, there's underclassmen that I'm good friends with (mostly the older ones, the juniors and about half the sophomores), but then there's also the ones I feel like I've adopted (my whole section, of course, and some of the freshmen (Filasco and Kyle mostly, and Ben too a bit)). And those ones...it's hard on me when I can't do anything to help them.

We lost the game, so marching band is finally over. I think...I may actually miss it. I mean, I'm glad it's over, so my life can sorta get back to normal ("normal" meaning "less stressed")...but it didn't really hit me until we were walking back to the bus after the game. That's when Barkman told me that he'd just promoted my brother to Eric #1. I almost started crying right then and there because of that...it wasn't even a big thing, really, but it made me realize that this phase of my life is over forever. I guess I'm just kind of in a sentimental mood tonight...may have a bit to do with the fact that it seems like everyone was emotional today (for various reasons).

I actually kinda had fun at BW3s today...which I didn't expect to, since it's a bar. The food wasn't that great, though (I survived on the fries the whole evening). I sat with Kyle, Gary, and Gordo, which was a bit of an experience. Gary actually displayed emotion (he's cool, even though he doesn't talk much. kinda reminds me of the way I used to be, really), Kyle ate almost a whole thing of wings by himself (then complained about his tongue burning afterwards), and Gordo and I jointly finished off about a thing and a half of the fries, because neither of us were too fond of the wings. After I finished my food, me, Eric, Chris Filasco, and Andrew Colwell's parents formed a team for the trivia game thing, and we actually came in second. So that was pretty fun.

Poor Bry. I'm venting to him about all this drama that's been going on...and he doesn't even know any of the people I'm talking about.