(no subject)

wow. I haven't had that nice of an evening in a long time...

and I didn't think that anything but camp could make me smile that much.

truthfully, I never really expected to have quite so much fun. but then again, I really had been looking forward to it all day, which also was kinda unexpected, actually. I mean, yeah, I always look forward to getting to spend time with my friends, but this was different, somehow.

we really did have fun though...well, I did, at least; I don't know if he did. we sat and watched "Three Caballeros" and decided that when it was made, its cartoonists were on a serious acid trip, lol.

we also spent a lot of time just sitting there talking...and he held me again, and it just felt so comfortable and cozy, and almost...right, I guess.

(and we're just going to ignore the fact that, due to lack of any other place, we were sitting (well, half the time, laying) on his bed, sharing a blanket...yeah. if Mum found out about that, I think she'd kill me...)

at the end of the evening, he walked me home because it was dark out (decree from Mum, lol) and truthfully...I didn't wanna leave.

I don't really understand it at all. I mean, I'm sure as heck less confused than I was a couple weeks ago, and I certainly feel more content with all of this now, but I don't really understand it any more than I did. frankly, I think I understand less now than I did then. I don't understand why this should feel so...almost right. I mean, I still don't even feel any emotions about it, but yet it just feels right, you know?

and yet there's still this feeling of doubt and wariness that makes me think that this shouldn't be happening, that I shouldn't be letting it happen. part of that, I think, is because Mum doesn't really trust him, and she keeps saying "be careful" and all this stuff, and telling me that she doesn't approve...oh, how little she knows of what's actually happening...she doesn't even know that he still likes me, since I haven't mentioned that since like October. But she keeps telling me stuff like that, and I don't want to disappoint her, you know? and if this were to go any farther (I'm not saying that it will, mind you, but just saying if), I really do think she might kill me or ban me from seeing him or something drastic like that. and that would be horrible, because I've grown so used to being able to spend time with him.

but oh god, I just want to be held...seriously. I just need somebody to hold me, somebody that I can call when I'm sad and he'll come over and let me cry on his shoulder and make me feel better. I think that's all I've ever needed, really...but I never really gave it much thought until now, because now I've actually had a taste of genuine affection.

(I apologize for rambling so much, I'm just kinda trying to write through things in hopes that maybe it'll clear stuff up a bit...I think I'm done)

oh, and apparently I smell good?

and I'm still happy from yesterday. not like giddy, giggly happy, just content happy.