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All formerly fandom-group-only entries are now unlocked. Because really, very few non-fandom-related people read this anymore, and fandom is almost the only thing I use this journal for anymore anyway.

Though I've been meaning to update for real. Eventually. When finals are over and I've picked a lab.
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Warning: this entry is going to be very disjointed. Hope you're in the mood to feel like you're in the presence of someone with ADD.
Basically just a big long post of junk that's been in my head lately and I felt like writing it down.

Watching shows on the Style network makes me want to go shopping.
But then I realize that anything that looks cute on the people on those shows probably wouldn't look good on me.
I want to wear cute skirts.
But all the cute ones are too short, and my legs are ugly.
I've always wanted a red plaid skirt.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to really do the real "college kid" thing.
That whole...living in a dorm and having a bunch of friends that your friends from high school don't recognize.
Tom just called me a smart ass...I don't think I appreciate that very much.
Ah well.
It's funny how you can go from hardly ever talking to someone to them suddenly being one of your best friends.
It's cool though.
I'm very excited about seeing Another Misprint in a couple weeks.
The last time I went to see them, I almost felt like I was being a real college kid doing real college kid stuff.
I don't think that makes any sense at all though.
I feel like everyone's growing up and leaving me behind sometimes though.
I hope I get to do stuff with all my friends this summer.
I love nights like this.
Sitting here with the windows wide open, blasting ska music and talking to my friends online.
It's amazing how just hearing a friend say "you know I love ya" can make things a zillion times brighter.
So I'm going to be house-sitting for two weeks this summer.
I'm a little freaked out about that.
I'm going to have to live on my own for two weeks, and I just...don't know if I can do that.
A couple days ago Bry and I were talking about what would happen if he won the lottery.
That was a fun discussion.
Things are awesome with me and Bry lately.
It's very exciting.
I want to spend the night at Bry's sometime.
Just so I could find out what it's like to wake up with him beside me.
And now I've got warm fuzzies just thinking about it.
I know there were more things I was going to write in this thing...
I've been working on a new RP character recently.
I don't have much about her yet though.
And I have writer's block, so the story I'm trying to write with her isn't coming out at all.
I'm actually a very huggy person.
I'd never realized it until last year, at the end of the year.
By that point, I was almost graduated and stuff.
Getting hugs from all my friends at the end of the year was what made me really realize it, I guess.
And now...I love getting hugs.
I wish I got hugs from my friends more often.
Even the ones I see every week.
But especially the ones I don't see as often.
That's why I always insist on getting hugs from everyone when I visit the band room.
It's not just the hugs though...this is going to sound weird.
But I think I'm actually more of a physical person (see, that sounds weirder than I'd like it to) than I used to think I was.
Like, I'm not so weirded out any more by being used as a pillow.
Or by using someone else as a pillow.
Or sitting on someone because they stole my seat.
And I guess I actually feel better because of it.
Like...I'm more comfortable with being close to people, I guess.
It makes things more fun, I think.
Like when I get really silly and hyper and end up using people as pillows.
I would never have been able to do something like that even a year and a half ago.
I guess I'm getting more comfortable with people in general, maybe.
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yesterday was...an interesting day. went to church (for the first time since Christmas) in Rochester for Amanda's baptism/confirmation. dinner before church was pretty fun...I ended up at the end of the table with Manda's dad and uncle, who just so happen to be D&D players...so I spent more time during dinner talking about D&D than I actually spent eating.

church was kind of a different story. I'm very happy for Amanda, don't get me wrong...in a way, I wish I was as sure as she is about where to go in life like that. it's just that when I stepped into that church last night...I felt extremely awkward. And that was just the beginning. The whoe time I was there, something just felt...wrong. Like I didn't really belong there or something. It all just felt...off. Uncomfortable.

I don't have any idea why it feels so off...I kinda wish I knew...I mean, it just feels strange, that being in church should feel so wrong. I just wish I knew what I'm doing, I guess.

Had kind of a long conversation with Tom about this earlier today, made me feel a bit better I guess. That's what I like about talking to Tom...we always end up talking about serious stuff, but (unlike usually) I never end up feeling like I don't know what I'm talking about or whatever.

Also had a 2-hour phone conversation with Bry today, which was fun...I haven't talked on the phone for that long in absolutely ages. It was pretty fun.

Two weeks from tomorrow is my last exam. That's very exciting.

quotes of yesterday:
"I was sneak attacked by a nun!"
"That's not drowning in sewage water music"
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woo...concert in 2 days that I really don't think I want to play in...

went over to Bry's house for like an hour tonight. making like the 5th day in a row that I've seen him, which is awesome. except that I think I'm getting spoiled, because even last summer we didn't see each other every day, or even very many days in a row...ah well. it is nice, actually being able to see him, instead of being stuck in my house all the time.

and we've spent a lot of time just...talking. not even about anything in particular, mostly, just talking. which is really nice, I think I've been needing that a lot lately, though I don't know why. but it's really been awesome. and I wish we had even more time to talk. it's weird, though, it seems like it's so much easier to talk in the dark...doesn't make sense, but that's just kinda the way it is.

we were talking about dreams today, it was amusing for the most part. and it got me thinking about how I don't usually remember my dreams. I wish that I would, cuz I'm sure that they're probably pretty interesting stuff (judging simply by the crap my conscious comes up with, my subconscious must be a really interesting place). and the ones that I do remember usually end up being the strange ones that...I dunno, they're not scary at all or creepy, but...they kinda make social interactions with certain friends of mine a little weird for like the next day or two after the dreams...like how 3 or 4 times now I've had this dream about one of my guy friends (not gonna say who, cuz he reads this, and there would just be weirdness) like falling in love with me or something. and it's very strange. the first time it happened made things really weird, because I dreamed it the night before one day this summer when he came to hang out with me for a while.

I have no idea why I'm writing all this, it just kinda keeps coming. *shrug* I guess I just wanna keep having conversations like I was having with Bry today, but he's not home now so I've got nobody to talk to but this journal.

I think I'm done now.
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I've been thinking a lot about stuff lately...just random things. so I figured I'd just write some of the stuff down here. not sure why quite yet, but I figured this would maybe be a good place to put it.

~ I wish I could go on a road trip this summer. specifically, I'd like to go to NYC again so I can see Spamalot. but I know that's never going to happen because I'm poor.
~ I think it's cool how the art kids always use their friends as their models for photography stuff. and I kinda wish I could be one of their models, at least once. I've never really had "artsy" pictures taken of me before, just random ones at all the dances and stuff. well, I posed for Jenny once a few years ago (speaking of which, Jenny, I never did get to see how those pictures turned out)
~ I wish I could write anything and everything I feel in my lj without worrying about what any other people would think about it.
~ I want to spend the night at Bry's house sometime. not even really to do anything, just to be able to be there. to find out what it would be like to have him be the last thing I see before I go to sleep at night and the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. but this is never going to happen because my parents would kill me if they even knew I was considering it.
~ I'm a little weirded out by the fact that now two people that graduated with me are already engaged. I mean, yeah, I wanna be engaged and get married, but not this soon. it would probably be weird for me to even be engaged right now, even with the knowledge that I wouldn't be getting married until after college or whatever.
~ I really do want to get married, though. thus why I have so many bride magazines on the floor of my bedroom right now.

I dunno. I think I think too much. or I want too much. or I wish for too much. or something. I have no idea. my mind has just been going like a whirlwind lately for no apparent reason, and I'm just trying to organize it...
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random thought of the day:

when were pants invented?

I mean, all the ancient cultures are depicted wearing robes or togas or something like that...and a lot of traditional-dress type clothing even today, like the Scottish with their kilts...so yeah. pants.

dreams

Jul. 5th, 2005 10:54 am
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I've been thinking about dreams a lot lately, I dunno why. I guess it's mostly because I had a dream a few days ago that was a little odd and vaguely disconcerting (not in a scary-dream sort of way, more of a weird-dream-that-might-have-had-a-possibility-of-happening-in-real-life sort of way), and it made me think about dreams in general because it's one of the most distinct and cohesive dreams I've had in a while. And because I was dreaming about somebody I actually knew, which hardly ever happens.

Anyway, in this dream, we were at school (ugh! lol) and it was during class change. I was walking with one of my guy friends (whose name I shall not mention anywhere in here, because it's likely to cause awkwardness, since he reads this occasionally, and I'm hanging out with him sometime this week, and I'd really rather avoid awkwardness...) So anyway, we're walking to class, and then we both stop in the middle of the hall, as everyone else just walks past us. He turns to me, kisses me on the cheek, and tells me that he loves me. And I'm just standing there feeling pretty confused, trying to figure out how to tell him nicely something to the effect of, "I adore you as a friend, but I've got a wonderful boyfriend whom I'm totally in love with," because I didn't want to hurt him.

And that's about when I woke up. So I have no idea how that one was going to turn out. When I woke up I was like "wait, what just happened???" and it was kinda amusing, in a confused sort of way. But also rather cute in that my subconscious reacted exactly the way I would have in real life, where my very first thought was of Bry. That's not the first time this has happened in dreams, either...a few months ago I had a dream that one of my other guy friends kissed me, and my first thought in the dream was basically "nope, not gonna let that happen again, I have a boyfriend."

So yeah, my subconscious is...interesting.

And all this thinking about recent dreams has made me think back to random dreams I remember having when I was younger. I honestly don't remember any of the happy ones, I just remember the ones that scared me silly. The very earliest dream I remember having was from when I was about 4...I dreamed that there was a ghost sitting on the telephone wire outside my house, and being that I was only 4, it terrified me. Another one I remember from when I was little was one that I had after I'd heard that stupid "witch doctor" song on something (I think I saw something with the song on it, actually), and then I dreamed that there was a witch doctor in my side yard casting spells on me or something...another weird dream that scared me when I was little.

The only other major one I remember from when I was a kid is one that I had repeatedly, the only recurring dream I can ever recall having had. It would always start with me walking into my bedroom. It was night, and the light was off in my room, so it was super dark in there. Then, I would hear someone moving in the back of the room, so of course my first instinct is to reach to the light switch to turn the light on. But when I flip the switch, nothing happens, the light is burned out or something. I flip the switch back and forth several times, hoping that something will work, and starting to panic, but nothing happens. Whoever or whatever is in the room with me starts coming towards me, and by this point I'm terrified. I try to scream, but my voice isn't working, so nothing comes out. I can't leave the room (don't remember why anymore)...

And then I wake up. I have no idea how this dream ever ended, I just remember having had it more than once.

And I'm far too lazy to bother looking anywhere to try to analyze what my dreams mean. I'm sure it would be interesting to find out, but I dunno. I guess I'd like to know, but I don't really even know where to try to find out (and the one time I tried it before, what I found didn't make any sense at all, because finding just explanations for specific symbols doesn't help me much, I need somebody to put it all together for me, lol).

So if anybody has a spare moment and would like to analyze my messed-up subconscious, they're free to go ahead, lol.
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senior farewell is today.

it's funny, I remember last year's senior farewell...I was sitting by Bryant and Robert and...Laura, I think. and during one of the songs they were playing (don't remember which one, unfortunately), Bry leaned over to me and said I was beautiful (or something to that effect, anyway). and it just makes me think...that was almost exactly a year ago, and look at us now.

I'm really not sure why I wrote all of that...it was just something I was thinking about last night when I was trying to sleep.
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*sigh* I know I should be feeling...something...right now, but I don't know what...and I don't think I really feel anything.

it's hard to believe it's almost over. that after tomorrow, there's a lot of people I'll probably never see again. tomorrow...god, this is it. the end of...everything I've ever known, sort of.

I guess it's just hard to fathom. I feel like it shouldn't be me already. like I should still be one of the kids who's dealing with their older friends going off and graduating, not like I actually am one of the older friends now. it's so weird...I've been waiting for this for so long, waiting to get out of school, but now...I almost don't want tomorrow to come. I don't want to have to say goodbye to everyone.

Kara and Chelsea started crying in band today, and it was all I could do to not start crying myself. I'm going to be such a mess tomorrow 6th hour...have to figure out if there's any way to fit tissues into my ├╝ber-full purse.

it's so hard to think of what to say right now...I've got so many thoughts running through my head, but yet I don't know if I could even put any of it into words.

I guess this feels kinda like the last day of camp all over again. only bigger. and I'm really glad we're not playing in band tomorrow, because I definitely wouldn't be able to do it at all. It would be like "Just a Closer Walk" all over again. which is now running through my head. and if it's still there tomorrow...well, there's guaranteed tears right from the start.

I guess that was the requisite "deep thought/reminiscence" senior post. though, who knows, there might be more later...*shrug*

well then.

May. 19th, 2005 03:50 pm
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weird things today. I dunno what's going on...it confused me because I'm not used to stuff like this...

Paul wrote something really really nice in my autograph book. it surprised me, because I guess I'd expected him to be obnoxious and stuff like he usually is. but he was being serious and really nice.

and Tom said I'm pretty.

I dunno what's going on with all that stuff. surprised me a lot, both things. probably just because it's the end of the year and people are all being really nice to each other because we won't ever see each other again.
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ever notice how spring creeps up on you? I mean, yeah, you'll vaguely notice that the trees have buds on them, and then all of the sudden you realize "hey, there's leaves on all the trees. when did that happen?" that was me today driving home from work. it happens like that every year for me, though usually it'll be when I'm looking out my bedroom window, since I'm kinda up in the trees anyway.

AP chem test is over, and I think I didn't fail it. and...it's weird not to have chem stuff in my backpack. and even weirder not to have my solubility chart sitting on my computer desk anymore.

it's very warm in my house. warmer than outdoors. that's not right. hence running around the house barefoot...in a tank top and my pinstripe work pants. I probably look silly, but I don't care too much. not going out in public anytime soon anyway.

hmm

Apr. 25th, 2005 08:35 pm
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when I was at work tonight, I suddenly had the urge to write in this. I dunno really about what, I just wanted to write.

I guess one of the things that I've really been noticing a lot lately is how much I've changed since the beginning of high school. Honestly, sometimes I barely recognize the person I used to be. When I was a freshman...I don't even like to think about it, really. I was so pathetic, so stupid. And at the same time, I was incredibly shy. Not that I'm not still shy, but I'm nowhere near as bad as I used to be. I suppose I'm more confident now...maybe. Sometime sophomore year I discovered that I've got a protective streak in me.

I've got a lot more friends now than I ever thought I would. Just looking at my LJ friendslist could tell you that, but it's so much more than just that. I have friends scattered all over Michigan, and a couple that are currently on the other side of the Atlantic. Along with having more friends, I think I've become a lot more comfortable with...well, affection in general. Accepting hugs from people is a lot less awkward for me now than it ever was in the past, as is giving hugs. Heck, I think I've actually started looking for excuses to give people hugs lately. Before, I used to be shy, almost afraid, of human contact. I guess this can be attributed to several sources: Bry, obviously, because he was sort of the one that truly intorduced me to the joys of just being able to hug someone (if that makes any sense at all); Wolverine camp, because...with those friends, I had to hug them, I would've felt horrible and empty if I hadn't, since I only see them a couple times a year; and of course, the simple fact that I'm a senior, and there's so many people that I'm afraid I'm never going to see again after I graduate.

I think I've become sort of more...fun, I guess...I mean, I go to parties occasionally, and I've hosted my fair share of them recently. I know I'm a lot more sarcastic than I used to be, and I think I might occasionally even be funny. I'm definitely more outgoing than I used to be, though I'm still not comfortable talking to people out of the blue or whatever.

Even though I've changed a lot, I'm still not sure who I really want to be. I mean, it seems like I have a few different personalities, so to speak, that only show themselves at certain times. Like when I'm at camp, for example. Or when I was in New York...I was completely different then from what I usually am. And, for the most part, I had a lot more fun doing that. I guess you could say I was "being myself," but I really don't know about that. I don't really know who this "myself" person even is, sometimes.

Wow. That was way more introspective than I'd intended to get in this entry. Ah well, it kinda feels good to get it out, I guess.

and here's a quiz for good measure.



Your Life Path Number Is 6



6





You have a strong sense of responsibility: you must feel useful to be happy.

The main contribution you make is that of advice, service and ever present support.

This is the Life Path related to leadership by example and assumption of responsibility...

Thus, it is your obligation to pick up the burden and always be ready to help.



The Life Path 6 is one who is compelled to function with strength and compassion.

You are a sympathetic and kind person, generous with personal and material resources.

Wisdom, balance, and understanding are the cornerstones of your Life Path.

Your extraordinary wisdom and the ability to understand the problems of others is apt to commence from an early age...

As a child, you easily spanned the generation gap and assumed an important role in life early on.



While you may assume huge responsibilities in the community, you life revolves around the immediate home and family.

Most with Life Path 6 are the positive types who willingly carry far more than their fair share of the load and are always there when needed.

You are very human and realistic about life, and you feel that the most important thing in your life is the home, family and friends.



The number 6 Life Path actually produces few negative examples, but there are some pitfalls peculiar to the path.

Avoid a tendency to become overwhelmed by responsibilities and a slave to others.

Also, avoid being too critical (of yourself or of others).

The misuse of this Life Path produces tendencies towards exaggeration, over-expansiveness, and self-righteousness.



Imposing one's views in an interfering or meddling way must be an issue of concern.

The natural burdens of your number are heavy, and on rare occasions, responsibility is abdicated by persons with this Life Path 6.

This rejection of responsibility will make you feel very guilty and uneasy, and it will have very damaging effects upon your relationships with others.



that actually kinda sounds like me. scary, actually.
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I'm totally in the mood to write right now, except that the one thing I should be writing is the one thing I can'd make myself work on. I was the same way this morning too...wrote a big long reply to the RP that Bryant and I have, but got practically nothing done on my English. I do hope Bry writes back to the RP soon though...lately I've been really needing to write my character, can't really explain why though. The RP is turning out pretty cool so far, though...for all that it's covered approximately 2 hours (or less, I'm really not sure), it's 19 pages. I really do think it's going to end up turning into a novel. Which would be really cool, actually...especially if by some miracle it got published or something. It needs work, obviously, for continuity and grammar and stuff, but that's not too hard to fix. And I really shouldn't be worrying about it right now anyway, as there's no guarantee it'll get that long. Though at the rate we're going, it looks like it might. And I've got some interesting stuff to add to it soon, probably right after the next part Bry writes I think; I've been planning this one scene for a long time now, and I'm really excited that I finally get to write it.

And as for news slightly more grounded in reality...Bry bought me flowers today. No particular reason at all...they just appeared on the windshield of my car when I got out of school. I love it when he does stuff like that, I really do. It took me by surprise, certainly, but it was really sweet. And now my room is pretty again.

It appears that I won't be getting to go to state quiz bowl, because Schuster's being an arse about things. His main argument is based on band being a class and other stuff being extracurricular...he doesn't seem to even realize that symphonic orchestra is an extracurricular activity for winds/percussion. He also doesn't seem to realize that it's not fair to expect people to drop things they've had planned for months just because suddenly we've gone to state. Besides, this is (I think) the first time the Davison quiz bowl team has ever made it to the state level. So let us have our damn team! *fumes*

Every so often in the past couple days I've gotten this weird sense that people are mad at me. I think Schuster's mad at me because I want to do quiz bowl. I felt like my parents were mad at me when I came home from Bry's today, even though I told them exactly where I was and when I was going to come home, and that's the way it's supposed to work. And yet, somehow, even though it feels like people aren't happy with me, I'm still managing to be content and stuff. I'm not quite sure how this works, actually. I know that if this had happened a week ago, I'd probably be in tears right now...but I'm not. I've been happy for almost a week now, which is quite an improvement. I've no idea where it came from (though it's interesting to note that the return of happiness coincided with the first day the sun came back out), but I hope it stays.

Laura brought a bride magazine to lunch today, so everyone at our lunch table spent the entire time talking about weddings and stuff like that. I've kinda been thinking about it ever since. Thinking about how much I really would love to get married. Not yet, obviously, but someday. In 4 years or so, I should think. By then I'll be done with the first bit of college, and perhaps by that point I'll actually be ready to move out of my parents' house. I think I want a church wedding. That's weird, considering I'm not really all that fond of my church, but I do want to get married in a church. Actually, my dream is getting married in a big cathedral...one of the big old pretty ones like they've got in England...but I really don't think that would even be possible. Funny thing is, you know how there's that stereotype that most girls have had their weddings planned since the age of seven or something? I'd never really even put any thought into it at all until recently. Heck, until this year I never even thought I'd get married. *shrug* I really do want to, though. Just...not yet.

Wow. Chel*Kat just IMed me...I haven't talked to her since...months ago. I know I've talked to her once or twice since camp, but not recently. So that's kind of cool.

I should work on my English paper, since that's technically the reason I'm even on the computer tonight...but I just can't concentrate on it.

...whoa. Jon just IMed me too. Geez, it's like a reunion.

I started this entry at 8:41. It is now 9:37. Perhaps I should stop writing now?

old stuff

Dec. 8th, 2004 09:06 pm
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This is something I wrote in here in March...and it still holds true, actually.

"another thing that I've been spending a lot of time contemplating is religion. I mean, I've been raised Catholic, but I really don't know about it anymore. I believe in most of the teachings, but it's just so rigid and uptight most of the time. I listen to other people talking about enjoying church and how they've got such a close relationship with God and stuff...and I just don't see how I could ever have that. church is so boring for me, I mainly spend most of the time daydreaming and stuff...it's so routine at this point that it doesn't really mean anything anymore. and that worries me. I've thought lately about not being Catholic anymore, maybe going to a different church...but I've never really said anything about it because I don't know how my parents would react, and hurting them is the last thing in the world that I'd want to do. and if I were to say something about it, I don't even know which parent I would tell first. see, Mum usually tends to be the more open-minded of the two, but then again, she was born and raised Catholic. Dad, on the other hand, converted to Catholicism before he married Mum...but it seems that a lot of the time, people who convert to a religion are stronger in it than people that were raised to it. so I don't know."

I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately. I just...have no idea what to believe anymore. At all. I'm sort of trying to...soul-search, I guess you could say. And it's accomplishing nothing other than make myself even more confuzzled than I already was.

I wish I knew what to do. I mean, I've gotten to the point where I'm beginning to almost dread going to church each week, because I get absolutely nothing out of it, except getting bored. Frankly, I've never liked going to church; when I was little, I seriously used to have huge fights with my parents because I didn't want to go. And now...I still don't really want to go.

Honestly, I think I've actually enjoyed going to church twice ever. The first time was the youth service I went to at DUMC last spring. The second time was the ecumenical service a couple weeks ago. That, combined with the fact that I've been having doubts, makes me wonder if maybe being Catholic isn't the way to go for me. But I wouldn't even know where to start if I were to try to find another religion.

I have no idea what I'm doing. Or even why I keep typing this, because I don't actually know what I'm trying to say anymore.
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I'm making time to update, because I think I actually need to use this to reflect for once, instead of just randomly saying like 2 sentences and leaving it at that.

I've been informed that I need to have a "girls' night out" with some of my friends...and god, I wish I had time. I feel like I'm growing apart from all my friends, and it really sucks. I hardly have classes with anyone anymore, and I'm not home often enough to have time to just call someone and chat for hours. I think that's what I miss the most, just being able to chat about anything and everything.

I think the worst part of this is...I feel like I'm losing my best friend. I mean, yeah, I still tell her more than I tell anyone else (including my own mother), but it's just not the same. Part of it is just that neither of us has time to talk anymore...but there's so much more than that. I know she doesn't consider me to be her best friend, but I've considered her to be mine since like 8th grade or so. sometimes I just feel so...ignored. like, just a couple days ago, I was talking to her in class about stuff, then one of her other good friends came over and joined the conversation...and within 30 seconds, I was totally pushed out of the conversation. I don't think she even realized that she did it. Mind you, I'm not objecting to her having other friends, not by a long shot...I just wish that I could manage to have a conversation with her that lasts more than a minute and a half. Especially since...she seems like she needs to talk to someone at least...I can't even pretend to truly understand what she's going through right now, but I want to be able to talk to her, because I feel like I hardly even know what's going on in her life anymore. (out of politeness for everyone involved, I'm not going to write her name here, but I think that she can probably figure out who she is.)

god. I feel like I don't even see my friends at all anymore...and I hardly have time to talk to them either. it's like I'm losing them...I worry that by the end of the year I'm not going to have any friends left.

I've been worrying lately. worrying about my English stuff, worrying I'm going to lose all my friends, worrying about what's going on in my best friend's life, worrying about Bry...I just worry.

I feel like there was something else I wanted to add to this, but now I can't remember it. drat.
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wow, so I just had the most amazing conversation...it started out really goofy, but turned all deep and meaningful and stuff. *contented sigh* I know I'm gonna have good dreams tonight.
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it's crazy how you can have such strong feelings for someone for a long time, but then the person goes away for a year and you think you're over them. but when they come back and you hang out with them for just a few hours, everything you once felt comes rushing back in that first instant you see them.

and now, I find myself wondering how I could have ever thought I was over him. because everything came back in those few precious hours...all the feelings, all the memories, all the great times. and it's horrible, not knowing when I'm ever going to see him again.

another thing I've been thinking about lately...

it's crazy how you can become friends with someone so quickly, have a great time with them for a few hours...and then when you leave, you realize you're probably never going to see them again.

I'm just wondering what the point was of even trying to be friends, since probably nothing is ever going to come of it.
uberniftacular: (Default)
so apparently I'm a "coward" for not playing Steve's solo with him in Fate of the Gods, even though Steve is loud enough for about seven people on his own and Schuster knows I can't play the solo because I can't flutter-tongue and I haven't worked on that particular solo since the day we sight-read it...

don't get me wrong, I'm not angry or anything. just...mildly bemused.

I only have to put up with Herfert for 2 more class periods...then I never have to deal with her ever again!

I think the first thing I need to do this summer is clean my room...my organized piles have been slowly mutating and taking over floor space so it's hard to walk (not that it isn't even when the room is clean, but hey, that's what happens when you've got a mellophone, a French horn, a trumpet, and a chair all trying to take up the same space). my room also still hasn't really recovered from prom, lol. my dress is still draped across my bed waiting for Mum to take it to the dry-cleaner's, and that hideous wine glass souvenir is sitting on my dresser still full of hair pins from when we undid my hair after prom. at least the shoes are put away somewhere.

I wish my muse would come back...I'm involved in an RP and trying to write a story, and neither are coming along very well. I just can't really think anymore.

cripes. summer will be grand. getting away from all the crazy high school drama will be nice...

...but then again, it's also my period of quasi-isolation from society. I never really do anything during the summer outside of camp and marching band camp. I don't really see people much. and that kinda sucks. especially not seeing...

well, I'm not gonna get into that tonight. it makes me mopey, and with the way I've been lately, I'll probably end up making myself cry. and that would be bad. I'm so sick of randomly feeling like I'm going to cry for absolutely no reason.
uberniftacular: (Default)
I just realized something today. it's super-pathetic that it's taken me until my junior year of high school to develop an actual personality. but it's true though. I really didn't have much of a personality before this year.
uberniftacular: (Default)
ya know, I really wish I knew what was wrong...

these past couple days, I've spent so much time feeling like I'm gonna cry for no reason at all. it makes no sense.

it's even weirder when I randomly start crying when I'm listening to music.

it kinda freaks me out.

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